Super in every way!

We have a problem. It is, in general one of etiquette, but it has stemmed from some, shall we say, impropriety on behalf of the entire bloody village. Poor Mr B hardly knows who it is safe to drink with these days, and the Major has developed rather a disturbing twitch in one eye that has resulted in complaints from a number of happily married matrons. Now it has cropped up on Radio 4!


 I blame myself. I am quite distraught. Ever since I bought this computer I have stopped taking The Mail and relied upon Google for my news, so when I decided that it might be nice to get one of those pampas grasses for the front, it was only natural that I should look it up for tips on care and maintenance etc.


It is rightly called Cortaderia selloana you know. It likes a light sandy soil but will thrive in most conditions.


I shall not be purchasing a pampas grass this weekend. I shall not be purchasing one on any weekend….ever! I am even dubious of any member of the grass families.


Pampas grass in ones front garden denotes that the  occupier of the house is what is politely termed a swinger. Initially I thought that the term 'swinger' referred to someone who was modish and fashionable. In truth, this had doubled my resolve to purchase the plant, but I looked up the term to be sure.

I required a second bottle of gin to deal with the shock of finding out that such immoral and unwholesome activities existed. It is undeniably true, otherwise it wouldn't be allowed to be posted on the internet would it?

Now a trip to church, or to the Spar shop had become a fraught journey through what I now know to be a veritable gommorah. Evidence of sinful misdeeds are all around me. It is particularly distressing to see that Mrs Davis was engaged in such things particularly given her recent hip replacement and the fact she is eighty seven.

 It is all very well to be possessed of the sure and certain facts of this wrong doing, but in doing so, does it place an obligation for a person to do something about it? This is a question I wrestle with internally and, indeed, had been unable to sleep until long after midnight because of it.

I have purchased a pair of binoculars and an A4 spiral bound notebook with which I fully intend to expose the evil doers with the evidence of their crimes, in a letter to the clueless courier and perhaps even on the village website. This sort of behaviour is not be countenanced in any way by a god fearing rural haven. I had not realised the sheer scope of the problem until that momentous day, and almost fainted when, on passing the rectory, I spied some offensive plumes.

 On my return home, I carefully transferred my notes into my spreadsheet program and drafted a strongly worded letter to the Bishop on the subject of the waning morality of the clergy.

Tell me....I am being eminently reasonable am I not?